Progress

The Hardest Things

2011-09-12T20:19:00.000+01:00

The weather is howling outside, desperate to unleash its sorrow. Just like the weather, I want to cry out and unleash all my pain and sorrow. However, I don’t think it’s the weather that is properly affecting me today. The old and familiar sense of hopelessness and helplessness is starting to creep back again.

I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Or maybe I am so used to being this way that I actually don’t realise that I have always been feeling like this. Reading about how others motivate themselves, achieving success in their careers and also personal life has not elevated my self esteem in any way. I am glad and happy for those who found their goal in life, but yet I am also envious of them. Seeing how others are able to savour the taste of being purpose driven has made me feel worthless and incapable of actually achieving anything. I know I am more than that, but yet I am failing to think otherwise.

I have to force myself to think positively and keep on motivating myself based on blind faith!

And I am not only referring to careers. I am in the midst of people who have found someone they could love and being loved in return; I am so happy for them, but I also feel so, so alone. I know there’s nothing I could do to be someone special in her eyes, as I have nothing to prove myself and also nothing offer her. She deserves someone better than the likes of me.

It’s the hardest thing I ever had to do; to turn around and walk away pretending I don’t love you.

I supposed it’s the best for her, though it doesn’t stop me from thinking about her all the time. And she can’t know about it as I am afraid I might even lose a friend. It is painful going against your heart; I am trying my best to keep a distance even though deep down, I want to be close to her. The best thing I could do is be close enough so I could always be there for her, but not that close; wish her well and hope she could sort out her own feelings for the guy whom she truly cherish; and let her be free to search and find her true happiness

For now, I’ll just be the invisible man to her.

I miss her so much.

I Wish

2011-09-12T20:15:00.001+01:00

I saw you pass me by just yesterday
I followed every single move you made
And I wonder if you see me stare
I feel so close to you every time you're there

I wish you were mine
Every time I see you walk by
I wish there was time
But the moment never seems to be right

I wish that I could find the strength
Then I wouldn't feel like this
To have you here right next to me, I wish
To have you here right next to me, I wish

It's getting hard for me to sleep at night
'Cause all I keep thinking about is the look in your eyes
And am I crazy, 'cause we never met before
But it feels like we have

I wish you were mine
Every time I see you walk by
I wish there was time
But the moment never seems to be right

I wish that I could find the strength
Then I wouldn't feel like this
To have you here right next to me, I wish
To have you here right next to me

Oh yeah
Girl, I wish I had you
So many times I thought about approaching you
But I freeze up every time

I wish you were mine
Every time I see you walk by
I wish there was time
But the moment never seems to be right

I wish that I could find the strength
Then I wouldn't feel like this
To have you here right next to me, I wish
To have you here right next to me, I wish

Just Like That

2011-08-04T18:29:00.003+01:00

Extremely sad today. I am just being contradicting to my own feelings. That's why I keep failing to stay away from her.

And it hurts all the more when I ended up looking bad in her eyes. I guess I really must put my heart into it if I really want to get over her, for my own good and also, for her own good.

Arrogance

2011-08-02T22:08:00.001+01:00

Sometimes I am just arrogant in my thoughts, words and actions. I know it is not justifiable in any way, but why am I being like this? Sometimes I just can’t help but feel that I am and must be better than the rest, even though I know it is not right to do so. But the truth is, I don’t even have any achievements to be proud of, as even I am now struggling with my career path and having contradicting feelings for a girl whom I know is not quite possible to be with.

Perhaps, the reason for my outer arrogance is that, I am actually feeling inferior to everyone else, deep down inside.

Solitary Cross

2011-07-19T13:59:00.001+01:00

"All sound ceases. When the ice-cold night-air fills the room, I lie
awake, holding my blanket. And that's when it happens - I feel like
crying - like my heart is slowly breaking. A sorrowful - an unshakeable
loneliness. That sense of loneliness rises from the shadows in my
heart."

The feeling of loneliness. Every now and then, you would experience
waking up in the middle of the night with the strong urge just to be
with someone close, to hold someone close throughout the night. It is
not a feeling of desperation or jealousy. It is just a feeling one goes
through the stages of life when you are thinking of someone. And it
actually hurts when there is someone that you would want to be with
right now and yet you know that it is just not possible at this very
moment.

I guess its time to face the truth. I will never be with her but....

I guess I just miss her more than I thought I would.

Summer

2011-07-11T21:41:00.003+01:00

Early Summer Chapter 1: Bittersweet Rain
"None in this world can stop the flow of time. However, a single moment captured in a photograph will never disappear. It will always decorate your heart and will always stir your soul - sweetly..and warmly."

Summer Chapter 1: Feeling Blue
"The color blue has the power to sooth the soul. It washes away all our worries and stress. Blue awakens the honest and innocent hearts."

Summer Chapter 2
"Very few can identify the beginning of love. When people become more than friends but less than lovers - such an indefinable relationship changes slowly over time - like the changing of the seasons."

Summer Chapter 3: Wind-Bell
"A summerday goes by like a strong gust of wind, leaving you with a feeling that something is going to happen. As the summerstorms come to an end, gradually, the season change."

Summer, the best season of the year. Summer, the height of all good and bad things that is happening around me. No matter how dire the situation beckons, all the smiles and laughter that I will go through would definitely wash away all my sorrows, giving me hope as the beginning of another season starts. Falling in love amidst everything is never easy, but this is where summer truly shines; it encourages love even in situations like this.

What is Love?

2011-07-11T16:18:00.001+01:00

How do we define love? The question is mute and the answer is bleak. It’s a thin line drawing the boundary between love and infatuation. However, both must coexist in harmony in order to ensure that you love and yet want someone in the same time. This begs the question; how would you know you are in love with someone?

Everything starts off with infatuation. When you are physically attracted to someone, you naturally pay more attention to her, want to hear from her everyday, getting excited when you see her and any physical contact would be a dream come true. You know that one day when you don’t hear from her would seem forever, and you would miss her greatly if that happens. Her very presence is your source of motivation.

Love, on the other hand, knows no boundaries. You don’t need to want her in order to love her. There’s a saying that if you love somebody, you should set her free. And if she is truly yours, she would come back to you. All you ever wanted is for her to be happy, to be herself, not to control her and hold her back from her dreams even at the dispense of your own happiness. You want nothing in return as long as she would remain happy. Love is patient and enduring, and it will last a lifetime.

In life, you will have paths to choose. But the most important thing to ponder is; which path would you choose? Will you choose to hold on tightly or to let go? Humans by nature are selfish; it’s the level of selfishness that truly defines a person. With someone special, you will be infatuated with her and yet, at the same time, in love with her. Will you choose to let her go if she is not meant to be yours, or try very hard to hold on and bring misery to both? I know it is sad to think about someone all the time and yet unable to be with her but, if you truly love her, her happiness will be the most important thing in your heart. Love is never easy and full of sacrifices, but the outcome of it is even more beautiful than you could possibly imagine.

Love her always and truly. If she truly loves you, nothing will ever bring you apart. That’s why love is so, so beautiful.

Picking Me Up

2011-07-07T08:36:00.000+01:00

Roger and I share a lot in common right now. We are now sinking slowly into the abyss and almost being swallowed by the darkness. No matter how hard we try, the outcome seems undeniable.

Roger used to be at the pinnacle of men’s tennis, the one who redefines what a great tennis player should be like. A slight hiccup from the very top is devastating to a man who has tasted success in almost every possible way. The way he is unable to achieve the ridiculously high standards that he himself set is nostalgic in some way when one looks back at the way he used to set himself apart from everyone else. And now, he must live with it, to face the doubts that are steadily growing inside him tournament after tournament; will he still be able to relive the past?

I, on the other hand, was never as great as Roger, nor am I even close. I used to mean something to myself, to able to live my life on my own stage. The truth is, I was never even great to begin with, so how can I say that I fell from grace? No, it’s the very meaning of my own life that I want to comprehend, to live my life realizing that I am able to do something meaningful with it and have a good impact on myself and others. All I ever wanted was to achieve something that I can be proud of. Saying that I ALMOST did it is never enough for me, and ironically, that was all I ever achieved. It is starting, or should I say, started to drain on my confidence, on my own self belief that I am capable of actually achieving anything.

Self doubt. Roger and I share this right now. The start is always easy, but the end always seems endless. Picking ourselves up is something we have to do even though this path is never going to be easy. This would definitely be my greatest challenge of them all.

She's Got a Way

2011-06-24T14:15:00.000+01:00

She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her
She's got a way of pleasin'
I don't know why it is
But there doesn't have to be a reason anywhere

She's got a smile that heals me
I don't know what it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She's got a way of talkin'
I don't know why it is
But it lifts me up when we are walkin' anywhere

She comes to me when I'm feelin' down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me and I get turned around
She's got a way of showin'
How I make her feel
And I find the strength to keep on goin'
She's got a light around her
And ev'rywhere she goes a million
Dreams of love surround her ev'rewhere

She comes to me when I'm feelin' down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me,
I get turned around

She's got a smile that heals me
I don't know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her anyway

Don't Treat Me Like a Fool

2011-06-13T13:46:00.002+01:00

It's been hard waking up, waking up to the truth
I've been so blind, couldn't see for love no.
Tried my best to ignore it, wish the pain away
But just like tomorrow, it’s coming round again

Thought I gave you the best, but it wasn't enough
You took advantage of my trusting heart
Tried my best to forgive you, did my best to forget
I am done with the tears and there are no regrets

I know I'll be reaching out to touch you in the night
Holding on to the memories
Cos you're not here to hold me tight
You lied when you told me
It hurt to be apart
When all the lying you're doing is in someone else's arms

So darling, please don't treat me like a fool
It’s been hard enough for me, getting over you
Darling please don't treat me like you do
I'll be damned if I am gonna let ya
Damned if I don't forget ya
So please don't treat me - like a fool.

Like a Friend

2011-06-13T13:44:00.000+01:00

I never had anybody treat me quite like you do
I love your honesty
We met, we clicked, we shared a vibe that was true
And it was plain to see, it was plain to see.

When I was trapped I was dependant on you
And there was no escape
I was a fool to think that I was the one
I let you criticize everything I done

I did not want to face the truth
You said you had a man
And you were so in love with him and nobody else

What do you do when someone don't love you
They show you all their feelings like you're a friend
Like you're a friend
What do you say when things don't go your way
And you're frozen in a picture like you're a friend
Like you're a friend

I don't want to be your friend, no way.

But I know I can't have you
And I can't live without you
But I guess I can't have it my way
For the loving you're not feeling
My heart is still breathing
Girl how can you treat me this way?

Just like a friend

No more friends.

Being Hit by the Stairs after the Fall

2011-06-10T15:40:00.001+01:00

What was the question? And why was the lesson so defining.

For the second time in my life, my dreams have come to a halt. Or rather, it was all shattered into pieces again. I really do not know what to believe in anymore. On top of that, everything came crashing down consequently; couple of months back, I lost someone close to me; and just last week, I thought that she was the answer and then I discovered that I was actually just one thing after another. And right now, my dreams, the final hope and inspiration I had in my life was again robbed from me, right under my nose.

My self-esteem is totally wiped out. Why everything must happened at the most critical point where I could actually almost taste success and then, ripped away from my grasp as though to say; you can only imagine how it is like to actually THINK that you have succeeded. Am I only so good till that extend, but never to go all the way? After a couple of times, I guess it is only true.

This is all that matters now, and that is all that happened anyhow. You can look back but don’t stare. And when I went away, what I forgot to say was all I have to say; eight letters, three words, one meaning.

Irrelevance

2011-06-06T22:31:00.002+01:00

It is true. I am quite irrelevant to do what I want to do. I am just not good enough for anything. Maybe that is just the way I am. What's the point of being ambitious and working hard for it when you know it is never going to come true?

That's not how it should be. I should persevere but yet, I am quite tired from persevering. I now know what I am capable of, and there's not a lot to it. Or perhaps nothing at all.

Nothing is worse than the feeling of de-motivation. I am even lower than that now.

Saying Sorry is so Easy yet so Hard

2011-05-31T09:50:00.001+01:00

Finally, I have come to a conclusion to my painful experience. The last weekend didn’t go as I expect it should. A huge part of it goes nonetheless to my own incompetent self of bad judgements and irrational thinking. In fact, I can even brutally say it was all my own undoing as I reserve the blame only to myself and not be so arrogant as to put the blame on others.

You were the one who gave me a tinge of light in my already darkened world, and you were also the one who took it back and rendered me back to square one. Or rather, you left me in a state even direr than I was before.

For all that I had done, I am truly sorry.

I am sorry that you could not maintain an intellectual conversation with me.

I am sorry that I could not provide comfort when you were working but instead caused you to lose your concentration.

I am sorry that I misunderstood your perfectly clear intentions.

I am sorry that the weekend went the way it shouldn’t have.

I am sorry that you think I am not similar in any way with you.

I am sorry that you think I am not the person you wanted me to be, and that you made me think I am such an incompetent and selfish person even in my own eyes.

I am sorry that you said you enjoyed every moment with me but somehow I got a feeling that you did not. I am sorry that it was not what it actually was but, thanks for diverting the truth to make me feel better.

I am sorry that you do mean something to me before and even now. But, hopefully not the future.

And finally, I am so sorry that you made me think that I truly meant something to you but in fact I am nothing more than someone who happened to come along at that brief period of time when you most needed someone.

I truly understood all that you said. You never once thought of the consequences of the words that you said before and the impact it would have on me after the huge ‘misunderstanding’ I had. It was a great misunderstanding though. All the good times we’ve been through seemed ages ago. I was happy during that time, thank you. Now, I guess I shall look for my kind of perfect in another place, another time.

You once gave me light. Now you are part of my darkness.

Sacrificial Love

2011-05-31T09:16:00.001+01:00

Some times I feel like I'm chasing the shadows in your eyes
Losing my footing and looking for something I recognize
You tell me you're here for forever
But act like you're passing through
Which one's the real you
Which one's the real you

I know when we started I kind of talked you into this
I was good for the moment but now something's missing from your kiss
I see you lying beside me
But I feel you moving on
Which one's the real you
Which one's the real you

Are you only practicing until you find the real thing
Taking up space until you find yourself that perfect face
Are you looking over my shoulder?
Am I enough or just your sacrificial love

Do I have to spill my tears?
Teach you how to say good-bye
If that's not what I am to you
Then what am I, what am I?

Goodbye to You

2011-05-30T12:18:00.002+01:00

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three days were just pretend

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

Journey

2011-05-30T10:36:00.002+01:00

I have to be strong, to ride the tides of misery, to sail through the storm and to eventually reach the destination where I so longed to be. I chose this path, and I have to be strong to journey through it. It is not an easy journey and I am going through a lot of pain just to even think of it and yet, it is a journey I must take.

It is time. Just put your heart in it and draw strength from within. I am confident you can do it.

Like I Never Loved You at All

2011-05-30T02:47:00.000+01:00

Where, where are the stars?
The one that we used to call ours
Can't imagine it now
We used to laugh 'til we fell down.

The secrets we had, are now in the past
From something to nothing, tell me.

How did we lose our way?
It's hard to remember
All that we shared
Now we both have separate lives
From lovers to strangers, now alone
There's no one catching my fall
No one to hear my call
It's like I never loved you at all.

Now you're so far away
And I see our star is fading
One too many times
Guess it just got tired of waiting round.

The nights that we thought, if these walls could talk
From something to nothing, tell me.

So now does he give you love
Is it only me now that's thinking of what we had and what we were
Did you ever care, baby was I ever there?

How did we lose our way?
It's hard to remember
All that we shared
Now we both have separate lives
From lovers to strangers, now alone
There's no one catching my fall
No one to hear my call
It's like I never loved you at all.

Motivation

2011-05-29T16:54:00.003+01:00

This is it, the turning point in my life. I shall either embark on a new journey that will change my life forever, or I would be countlessly reiterating on a familiar path. I have already been pushed to the brink of failure all too long ago, and the time will come (in a few days time) whether there will be light back in my darkened life or would the dark linger ever more.

I need motivation. Something that could encourage me to go on, to push myself harder than I normally would so I could have some meaning to my life. I thought that I had found a part of that motivation, but apparently I've lost it before I even had a chance to embrace it. It is my own misguided fault that led me into this. I just hope that the next best thing that will ever happen to me would not turn out to be the worst thing that has ever happened. I know, it is not so much as the destination as it is the journey. But still, I need to know where I am going right?

Motivation. Everyone needs them. I just need them a little bit more now.

Crash

2011-05-16T22:53:00.000+01:00

It was a night like this
Under the stars one kiss
And i totally knew
You were the one
And I had no reservations, no
That day is still on my mind
I play it over in rewind
But ill never get why you never fell
The same way that I did

I wish you could have crashed in to me
No turning back totally
Lost in the rush
The way that I was
Totally lost in you
Why can’t you crash into me

One look is all that I needed to know
That you are for me
I didnt need no more confirmation
So why do you ask so many questions?
I don’t understand
What makes you keep holding back?
If you just let our worlds collide
You’d feel so much better

I wish you could have crashed in to me
No turning back totally
Lost in the rush
The way that I was
Totally lost in you
Why couldnt you crash into me
Why cant you look past all the things
Holding you back
The way that I have
Been doing the same for you
Why can’t you crash into me

Why are you so afraid of letting go
It’s like some things gotta go
But instead of going down that road

Why don’t you crash into me
No turning back totally
Lost in the rush
The way that I was
Totally lost in you oh

Why couldnt you crash into me
Why can’t you look past all the things
Holding you back
The way that I have
Been doing the same for you
Why won’t you crash, into me
Why won’t you crash, into me
Why won’t you crash, into me
Why won’t you crash

Friends in Time

2011-05-07T19:10:00.000+01:00

This year is an interesting year indeed. Not only did I experience my first ever break-up, drove a BMW, had a pay-rise. Not everything has a happy ending though; breaking up definitely wasn’t fun, but in a way, it’s a huge relief off my shoulder. A hit of realisation that what you are working on now may not be the career path that you have always dreamed of is also another brick in the heart. And, coming to realise that the friend you ever wanted may not be the friend he also wanted was also another throw off the clouds. I may be wrong, but one should not be so quick to assume differently.

How do you actually define a really good friend? Is it a friend who is constantly by your side, laughing alongside you, sharing your pain and offering his arms of comfort? Or is it someone who stays in touch even if you sometimes forget about him? Or just simply someone you feel comfortable talking to? There are many ways people define their friends, especially their closest of friends. That is, of course, assuming that such a thing still exists in this world. I for one still believe in such a thing. I have seen many close friends throughout my life and I sometimes envy them. It always got me thinking; am I my best friend’s best friend as well?

My best friend need not be the longest friend I’ve known, nor does he have to be the most accomplished person I’ll know. My best friend just needs to understand me, to know and accept who I really am; to share experiences and thoughts and laughter and pain with me. My best friend need not call me everyday; just sporadically would suffice. My best friend is someone who shares the same interest as me (though of course it’s impossible to all be exactly the same) and tells lame jokes at lame moments. My best friend need not spend time with me based on quantity; as long as quality time is spent.

That is all I ask from my best friend. I know this may sound like a demand, but believe me; I only just wanted to share my thoughts on what my ideal friend would be. I know that he may not think of me as his best mate; this is the harsh reality of life, nothing is ever perfect. But no matter how it turns out to be, my best friend would always be my best friend, even though he may be flawed (in some ways, like me) and I may just be like any other ordinary friend to him. I just want to tell him that he will always be my best friend, ever.

Twenty Second Day of the Third Month

2011-03-14T21:40:00.002Z

It is the time of the year again. I know I have not been blogging for quite sometime and time has not been kind to me. This time of the year is very special to me; I therefore want to pen something down and bring my thoughts together in words.

For nearly 23 years, this very special day marks the beginning of everything for me. I am always beside company and I pay special attention to those that I spent it with to ensure that this very day would not be tarnished by bad memories. However, this year would mark the first time in my entire life that I would not have anyone beside me to share this day. I am truly amazed at how I actually managed to stay so calm and composed despite the situation. And, I am proud of how I would handle and face the situation come that day (or so how I imagine it would be).

But, truth be told, I actually yearn for someone to be with me. Though I know it is quite realistically impossible for this to happen, nonetheless I do long for company on that day. But its OK. I have to grow up and learn to accept that not everything happens according to plan. This is a very good time to learn; come that day, I shall emerged from it with nothing yet something to cling on. It may sound pretty harsh even to myself, but I know that, nothing will seem harsh if you stare harshness in the face and embrace it as a close friend.

The past 22 years was good even after all I have been through. I shall hold on to the good memories of the past years and with that, I know the best of the future is yet to come. Somehow, I always knew.

Wish You Well

2011-03-14T13:09:00.002Z

Listen, you don't have to call me
Although my heart is silent and heavy with burden
It's hard because I can't say this love will not be fulfilled
My mouth and heart are locked tightly

Look, you don't have to say another word
I'm afraid I will hurt you for the rest of your life
All I can do is be thankful that I met you
But I gave you too many sorrows

I rather not hold you and grow old with you
I'm letting you go find another while you stay in my heart
If you happen to find someone better than me
I will wish you both happiness from a safe distance
Even if I might not be able to say it out loud

Speak, there are just too many words I want to say
But I have to leave and say goodbye
To lose myself in this big ocean sky
I only need you to stay as pure as snow

Where Do I Go From Here

2011-02-21T21:18:00.003Z

Where do I go from here?

The answer to that question is bleak. I am finally at peace with myself. The past week has been a peak and trough of emotions and with a new week beginning to settle in, I can finally get a sense of something new.

Now's my time to go on and be free. Don't hold back and be all that I can be. And if I fall, I don't fall alone, cos I have everyone who cares dearly for me to bring me home. I make mistakes and hearts will break and tears will always fall. The world is turning and I am still learning, what matters most of all, is that I am not alone. When I am lost, and there's no where to go, and my heart bears a heavy load. But I'll never give up, cos I am not alone.

Finally, it is my turn to bear you with my last advice. Be strong, move on and don't stop and stare! A glimpse is by far more than enough.

What Kind of Fool I Am

2010-06-06T00:20:00.001+01:00

My life in the past few years has been a bliss, and yet sad at the same time. I am always in the midst of comparing myself with others, and also striving for others to see me. Seeing what others have and I don't, makes me sad sometimes. And I am not talking about materialistic things. I am talking about the more deeper sentiments of life; friendship and relationship with people. I realized that I am just incompetent in maintaining a good relationship with anyone, and this saddened me so. I fee as though the weight of the world is unfortunately upon me. Or am I really so? I do not know, but what I do know is that no matter what, I would always strive to do my best. And this makes life beautiful and awesome, to actually know that I have more than I really thought I had. Seeing it this way, I am very fortunate indeed.

Tired

2010-01-30T22:11:00.002Z

I am so, so tired. I am tired of living my life this way. I am tired of being someone else in order to bring amusement to others. I am tired of always being the one to blamed, always being the cause of all misery. I am tired of being the cause of all unhappiness, being misunderstood about my true purpose. And most of all, I am tired of trying to convince others to see my as their friend if they do not have the heart to see.

I wanna stand out, stand up for myself. There's a saying which goes, "never be captivated by anyone, just live life the way you are." I intend to do just that. I intend to stand up upon my own two feet, and most importantly, stand upon my own stage, and shout from the very top of the world; this is me, this is who I am! To be honest, I couldn't care less what others would think of me; I am totally nauseated by it. I am going to live my life for my own sake from this day onwards, living a life full of joy and of course, never to bring misery to everyone. But, most important of all, I would live a life that would bring happiness to myself.

Its time, I guess. I think its now time to move on, never to look back again. And this time, its for real. Goodbye to those do not wish to see me as who I really am. And I can assure you, its forever sayonara.

Its Just Around the Corner...

2009-06-20T02:04:00.002+01:00

The clock is ticking, the nights passing by with a certain calm in it, and the atmosphere is soothing with a smile sketched upon my face. Another three more days, and I will be bathed in the blazing sun, while savouring the delicious and spicy food of home. With every passing moment I feel more at home, and surrounded by loved ones. I could see old friends again, and I could meet new ones. Everyone is waiting for me, especially...she. Or maybe not. But then, its just that I really can't wait to go home.

The road must come to an end, for the dawn of another

2009-06-02T10:27:00.005+01:00

I remember writing about this nearly a year ago; that my life is about to change forever, with all the happenings going on at that point of time. And the most important occurance happening at that very moment is about my leave to the UK, wher I would truly, utterly be alone, away from my family and close friends. But, people adapt. People always adapt to whatever surroundings that they are entrusted with. That is the way life it is, with thousands of years worth of evidence. It signifies the end of the road, where I was presented with a fork, and each path lies its own destiny. Fast forwarding to the present, the same situation presents itself here, and I have dully made my choice. It would bring dawn to a whole new chapter in the story that I am carving out for myself

Undoubtedly, I have encountered a great many things during my stay in the UK, and I strongly believe that every occurance which transpired here, regardless of whether it is according to my script, has mould me into a better person. I assure you, the events that unfolded these couple of months are definitely not something miniature in nature. Everything carries its own signficance, and there's definitely hidden meanings behind everything. As I walked along this path, I realised that it is time to grow up, and with every obtacles I faced, I grow. Not physically, mind you, but mentally. I started to realise, and appreciate the finer things in life, and not get discontented over the lesser things.

To summarise everything that occured during these couple of months, I would like to give importance to several. Coming to UK, most definitely, and learning how to live with people whom I have never live before in my life, and realising how and who people really are. The bad and the good, they all linger together in times of trouble. Especially to those whom I live with; I finally realised the true nature of their characters, and also discovered whom I could really place my confidence in, and whom I could really rely on in times of trouble. As said, sometimes the person you have the most faith in might not even be close to you physically, and while those who resides beside you might even be the one who brings you down, mentally and emotionally. Especially to those who lives the closest to you. You thought that he could be reliable, but instead, all you will ever receive from him is basically...nothing, and even less than nothing. And the miracle of all this is that, it is all happening within the borders of my own house.

I have made new friends, and also tightened the bond with old friends, especially those who have been around me since my younger days. In the past, I rarely appreciate their presence, but all has changed now. I have finally found solace in their presence, and learned how to appreciate them even more. I am sure we would continue to entwine together with ever growing joy, and also the pain, as I would always be there for them, if they ever have a need for me. And I also hope that we could continue to share moments together, like the way we did during these couple of months.

Travelling around has also been fun, and enlightening. I am now proud to say, that I have shop and seen the New Year's fireworks in London, awed by the history and antics of Wimbledon, just-feel-like-that at Old Trafford and bored by the city of Birmingham. And to add the cream on the cake, I have finally been to Italy, braved the winding streets of Venice, dazzled by the leaning tower of Pissa, and tasted genuine Italian food. Doing it all by myself (without my parents), not to mention with those who came along for all these trips, was an invaluable, priceless experience. I would be traversing next to Brussels and Amsterdam, where a whole experience awaits me there.

Studying here has had its effect on me, and thank God its all now behind me. I could finally look back and say to myself, 'I can't believe that I actually got through those times. How on earth did I ever made it out?'. And to top it all, my laptop suddenly decided to call it quits, right in the middle of my examination. It is still alive, but limping nonetheless. Amazing, but yet somehow, it is so so very true. After all, I am still here, and still in perfect condition, able to walk upon this earth with my head held high. No matter what is the outcome, I know, and will always know, deep down inside, that I have done all that I can. The rest, lets just say, come what may.

And most importantly, I have seen the light of day, for the darkest night would finally yield the brightest sunrise. I am sure that when I wake up every morning, thoughts about the past, the present and the future, would all play itself in my mind, and making me realise just how fortunate I really am. That I am able to just be where I am now, so so alive and well, and of course, able to do the things that brings meaning to my life, and also to love the people that I love. It would be love, that made my life during these past couple of months most worthwhile. I seek love, I have found love, and when the time comes, I would proudly stop and stare, and say, I have tried love.

Accomplishing the Unaccomplished

2009-04-14T23:27:00.003+01:00

I have just stepped into my room. For three days, I have been lingering around the streets of London, visiting absolutely nothing, except for the far-stretches of Wimbledon and shops of glamarous nature. London is now a past memory, and the future is yet to come. Nonetheless, it is always good to reminiscense about the past, and to realise just how amazing it was.

The weird thing about this trip is that, I basically got nothing accomplished. Attempts had been attempted, and efforts had been efforted, yet nothing turned out to be succesful. Let us begin with the main objective; sending my cousin sister off to a faraway land which, unfortunately, is known as you-know-what. However, most astonishingly, I never did wake up to the call, let alone go to the airport, with miscommunication being the main reason. Lets just leave it that way, as elaborating it would probably take a lifetime.

Moving on, the next big thing in my unaccomplished events would have to be in the movies. I watched three movies in a night, and most astonishingly once again, I never managed complete any. Baffling ain't it not? I would even throw in the titles of the movies, and the website in which I streamed them. The first movie was X-Men, and the movie hangs itself at half the time of the whole movie. Second place goes to Casino Royale, and this movie was shot not because of the stream problem, but because of its 'personality' problems. And finally, third place for the unaccomplished movies award goes to...Hitman, with its excellent action and complicating story and yes, committing harakiri at exactly halfway through. A big thank you to tvshack.com, coz without you, life would be so meaningless. To wrap up the night, my friend aka host decided to watch a TV series called 'Lie to Me', where the chances of not completing the show would be nil, just to prove that we did accomplish something for the night.

Tennis was my second objective going to London, and this too, was accomplished but without the full satisfaction of the game. My friend aka host, is partially 'handicapped', and if she is reading this, she would know exactly what I meant. But I truly appreciate her willingness to put her ankle in mortal peril in order to accomodate me, and I would do anything, anything at all to have her regain her full potential. With all my heart and soul, I sincerely wish her a speedy recovery so that she would be able to fully enjoy the full content of her newly bought shades in another land far, far away, with its beautiful beaches and its blazing sun (do correct me if I am wrong).

And finally, a big thank you to Miss Chew Hwee Yin for providing hospitality to someone who is in need of a place to bunk in, and of course, her time spent with this someone on vaguely unnecessary, yet somehow necessary things.

Night in the University

2009-03-28T21:45:00.003Z

It has only been yesterday since I came home. But, it seems like forever since I have left my house, on that very fateful day, which turns out to be a Thursday. The sun shines ever so brightly, smilling at me from above, but yet never had I imagine that I would not return to my house for the next 30 hours. Yes, I do mean it, 30 mirserable hours spent in the University. And without sleep as well, if I may so chivalrously add to my already impressive resume.

The Design Centre. That place now holds a very special, and I DO mean special place in my heart. And that is pressure! Stress! Fatigue! Ain't that special enough for it to linger in my heart, and always reminding me of what is like to reminisce about a place with such strong attachments? It is also a place where friends, old or new, friendly or foe-ly, cling onto each other, with only the will to survive the war. The amount of mutual usage among people reached epidemic proportions that night, with each and every one acting in their own personal interest. It is evidence enough to witness the best, and also the worst in people, being revealed in this struggle of seemingly pointless victory.

Time passed slowly, yet accelerated in a way. Time mocks people, its retribution swift and precise, as time is always precise to the core, especially to those who don't appreciate time. Time could be your ally, or time could be your foe, depending on the situation. But as for me, time is neither, for I do not befriend time, nor do I make a nemesis out of time. In this way, time would not benefit, nor would it harm me as well, in any possible way. Time is just there, at my disposal and at my mercy. It is precisely up to me how I would like to exploit time, making it work to my advantage, unlike some others who allow time to be the master. Master of their own ignorance and arrogance, and eventually, time would swallow all those attributes, and cast it right back to those who dare mock time. Time is power, time is dangerous, and time should be treated with reverance and awe.

Uncertain doubts

2009-03-19T09:23:00.003Z

I have never felt more crestfallen. I am losing my mind, slowly but true. It is taking its toll on me, as I wake up every morning with my head spinning, confused and dejected, not knowing what to do, without a purpose in my life. Appalling as it may seem, this is due to the amount of nothing meaningful happening in my life lately. Assignments, projects, assignments, and more projects are all that is ever written upon my forehead, and I seriously hope that it is not written using permanent marker. Otherwise I might just have well found the 'love of my life'. See what I mean? I don't even know what am I talking about.

Or maybe there might be some spark left in this ever growing darkness. It is a glow from a distance away, shinning down upon me, enlightening my path ahead, showing me that the road is still long, and that there is always something meaningful along the way. I think I might know where the source of inspiration comes from; the heart. Yes, that tiny spark of hope will always reside inside me, whether I know it or not, and perhaps in the future, there would be someone who would help me turn that spark into a fire, and let it light up my life ahead. But as for now, that light is twinking faintly, winking at me in a distance, gently, playfully urging me to trot towards it.

I have no one to lean on for now, and for now I have to journey this road on my own. But perhaps, perhaps maybe, when all my doubts are clarified, I might very well have someone to lean on. Hopefully it will come to pass. Perhaps.

Morning

2009-03-15T11:03:00.003Z

I am just sitting here on my bed, I just woke up in the morning, and still feeling a little dreary. What has been going on in my mind? It is uncertain, as the beginning of the day starts to unfold. No wait, I think I have been thinking about someone; her.

She is all that is on my mind, through the night, and through the morning. She is the reason I continue to battle through, continue to survive through these hardships. I have seen her strength, and her weakness. It is she whom I truly adore, truly believe in, whom would not flitch at any point of her life, even during times when she feels like giving up. She would continue to plough on, and eventually, the seeds of misery would grow into fruits of happiness. She would not feel ashame to display her strength, and also her weakness; it is what makes her really special to me. And the simplicity of it; I love her simplicity. It is not complicated, her feelings towards everything. She has the ability to untwist all that I have twisted, and she clears my mind from doubt, and sets me on the right path. She simplifies the complicated me. Its so simple.

Why am I writing this the first thing in the morning? I have woken up thinking about her, and that is why I am writing this down. I want my feelings of her to be revealed, to be known, and yet ironically...she may not know about it, and I would not want her to know, yet. She would not know that it is she whom I am writing about, the special girl whom I have seen beyond the outer shell, and into who she really is. The real her, and this is all that matters to me. She may not know about this, or even if she did know about this, but yet don't view me in the way I do to her...its ok. I understand completely, as all I ever wanted to do is just to tell her how special she is to me, how she grips on to my heart and how she lets me see my life in a different way. I just want her to know, but without her knowing about it. I just want her to be happy, but yet I am afraid to lose her. If she would be happier not knowing instead, then perhaps I would give her that, and bury all my feelings deep within me; only I would have access to those feelings, and the sadness of not being able to tell her would only be mine alone. But as for now, I just want her to know, but without her knowing about it.

I am just sitting here on my bed, I just woke up in the morning, and still feeling a little dreary. What has been going on in my mind? It is uncertain, as the beginning of the day starts to unfold. But right now, my mind is as clear as ever. I am, and will, always think about her first thing in the morning, and she will unfold my day, of that I am certain.

Perhaps I might tell her someday, or she might even find out about it someday. Time will tell.

Spring

2009-03-08T00:20:00.003Z

Boys Be...

Spring Chapter 1: Cherry Blossoms.
"Cherry blossoms, the noble flower, witness to many an encounter over time. Cherry blossoms, the vain flower, have watched many a farewell. And again this year they bloom to watch over a lot of faint but painful feelings in the season of beginnings called spring."

Spring Chapter 2: Memorial Essence.
"Nice memories have their own scent. Whenever you are veiled in its scent, Your heart can always return to your unforgettable past. Together with your own scenery that will never fade."

Spring Chapter 3: After Kiss.
"There are many books in the library. Each book has a wonderful story that will never happen in reality. But as you fall in love, reality becomes a wonderful story, better than any novel."

As for me...

Spring is near, or perhaps spring is here. The beginning of all seasons, the beginning of all joys, and also the beginning of all sorrows. Love is everywhere, if only it could be found. Perhaps I have found love, or perhaps I have not, or perhaps I have been ignorant to my own heart. But falling in love is perhaps the most wonderful thing that can happen in life. And love that has been found should be cherished, as the story of love is sweet and beautiful, perhaps as beautiful as the flowers which are blooming in this season of all beginnings.

Midnight Malice

2009-03-02T21:59:00.002Z

It is a long and cold night, the atmosphere solemn. This kind of situation brings about a strong impression of being alone by the beach side, comfortable and peaceful, watching the stars while holding the girl of your dreams. But, most unfortunately, the place I am describing here is the very Design Centre in my university. Its going midnight, the clock tower outside is about to chime its final music of the day. Then, whoever is reading this may enquire as to why am I still doing in my university?

The answer is simpe. Its a torture session, induced by our dear lecturer (no names here because I still need my grade), to ensure that we would obtain something worthwhile from our 10k+ pounds fees at the university. The suffocation resides not in our physical form, but more of the mental side of our fragile bodies. The mind is the strongest, and yet it is also the weakest part of our body, our soul and our heart. The mind could only sustain so much, and the damage done could be catastrophic, unlike our physical self. Mind over muscle. This phrase means a lot, and especially to someone going through something similar, this phrase means even more consequential. The body may tire out from excessive use, but as long the mind is focused, the body would not feel the strain. However, on the other hand, with a weary and drained mind, no matter how strong a body still is, it would eventually crumble to the stress. It is inevitable, it is uncontroable, and it is futile to resist.

Nonetheless, never be too negative, as negative thoughts break the mind down. In order to be strong mentally, one has to be....mentally strong. Always be happy and think positive; nothing is impossible in this world, as impossible is nothing. You must always believe in yourself, believe that whatever that you believe in will always be true, believe that believing in what you believe is right, and would not blind you from the wrongs that you think you believe is right, that you would always be convinced that your believe will hold true to your own principles and conscience.

No Pain, No Gain

2009-02-28T20:01:00.007Z

Today is a day of pain. And of fun as well, of course. There is simply no gain without pain. =) But is this pain worth the gain? I think it is. This event has long held a certain amount of excitement in my heart, as this is the first time I am playing paintball. I have always heard of this sport since the days of my Malaysia dwellings, but never had the chance to try it out. Maybe its because I didn't have the luxury of freedom as I have now, or maybe the people I am acquainted to are just cowards (haha, just kidding guys!!). But nonetheless, I did play, and boy oh boy, did I get quite a beating (actually, mine is nothing compared to others =P).

Anyway, to begin with, I started the day with lack of sleep as once again, I have vowed to sleep as early as possible, but yet ended up sleeping at 1am the night before, though 1am does not sound too late, but considering that I woke up at 6.30am the next morning....So right, a not-so-good start. But never mind; I managed to drag my a** out of the bed, and do whatever that is necessary to do and be at the meeting point on time. This is because, as specified by our organizers, we are supposed to be on time, and no Malaysian timing!! But, we being faithful Malaysians, never seem to fail to live up to our old tradition. =)

Moving on, we got to the paintball site and we had to endure a long speech by the Marshal about rules and safety and his jokes. We were given 100 paint balls, and the rest had to be bought from the shop (I guess this is how they make their money...), which eventually led to a 21 pounds deficit in my account. After suiting up and gearing up, we head out to the BATTLEFIELD!! There were 5 missions, and the group was devided into two; namely blue and red group. According to the rules of the game, when you are killed (in other words, hit by a paintball), you should surrender and walk out of the battlefield, and then continue in the next round. HOWEVER (noticed how I enforce the word 'however'), there were numerous people (no names here, coz I couldn't name any anyway as we were all wearing masks) who got themselves shot, and then lied down and wiped the paint off. Cheaters...And, on the other hand, there were some (such as myself) who were so nitwitted as to surrender even when the paintball did not even hit them (actually, the paintball did hit the target, but it just bounced off, so its not counted). AND, there were even some who even got themselves shot after they surrendered. How ironic...Nonetheless, despite all the.....setbacks.....it was all adrenaline pump and loads of fun.

The event ended with huge laughter and plenty of bruises. Its weird, really, as I did not feel the pain when I got hit. Its like, I saw a mark of green paint suddenly appeared on me, and I was like, 'Oh shoot, I am hit'. And then, a few seconds later, it was like, 'Ouuucccchhh!!!'. I guess it takes time for the signal for shock of the paintball to travel through the nervous system, gets processed by the brain, sends the signal back to the source and finally react to it. The time lag. So it all comes down to this, everyone is bruised in one way or another. I was pretty fortunate to be hit like, three times, and all were on the legs. I was never head-shot, thats for sure. =P

These are some of the pictures taken though...

Guess who this is?? It most definitely looks like a member of the NEST team...

Disappointment

2009-02-25T16:01:00.002Z

A cold breeze sweeps over my face. Without doubt, the treacherous cold of the northern wind penetrates into my very body, and into my soul. The feeling is not of betrayal, of boredom, nor is it even of sadness. Instead, the feeling is of the utmost disappointment.

Disappointment is unlike any other negative feeling that one normally feels within. It is like as though the expectation of something, or someone, has been forever tarnish, and has forever been engraved in your mind. You were hoping that you could see the best in them, but instead, all you ever get to witness was just a journey that is simply impossible for you to follow. It is the sense of hoping that something would turn out differently, but then it is not what it seems to be, and yet you still continue hoping because you have always believed that hope will always exist. The pain inside you becomes unbearable, sometimes until tears starts to form in your eyes. And yet, you would conceal it, because that is simply...how it is. You would not want your disappointment becoming public, and most importantly, the person that you are most disappointed with would not know that you are disappointed in him.

It is not hatred, being disappointed with someone. You don’t hate that person at all. Yes, the feeling of sadness is always disappointment’s companion, and yet hate does not blend with these two. How could you possibly hate someone whom you have been acquainted to for so long? After all this years, you always hold this person in the highest esteem, only to realise that your high regards for this person was only just imaginary. By just witnessing the chain of events that eventually leads to this conclusion was something of a breakdown of your soul, and finally waking up from the dream that you have always been dreaming all this while has been extremely hard. The dream was sweet, and everything from it will always hold a special place in your memory, but the reality in which you live in could not possibly replace all those memories you have inside your heart. You could only reminiscence the past in your heart, facing your disappointment with a smile always, but deep down, you will always burn inside, knowing that this is not what you expect it to be, and also realising the harsh truth that all in all, he is just not the same anymore.

Measure of a Man 2

2009-02-25T15:57:00.002Z

There's only one thing I would so like to say here. The 180 degrees shift. It is all about the total transformation of a person, from one different person to another. Who could have guessed what is actually transpiring behind the mask?

It is inevitable that everyone would be unable to always maintain the single, one and only character that always, characterized a person, fully. Everyone would always have a mask of two. But what is most shocking, from a painful observation of one that is considerered to be closest to me, that one could have a total character shift, 180 degrees. And for those who do not understand the meaning of 180 degrees, it means total transformation. Total annilation of the one true being that defines one's true self. So the question that begs to be answered is, which one of them remains true?

But of course, no one is perfect, as imperfections resides everywhere in everyone. No one is begging to be perfect, and no one wants to be with a perfect friend either. But all I ever want is to be with a friend whom would not find me to be an indefinite bore, and one whom would always appreciate my presence, even though I may not be the perfect friend as well. This what friendship is all about. It is not about partying, and getting yourself wasted, or laughing yourself out until you are, again, wasted. I guess nothing is definite here, and nothing could ever be as certain as ever. But one thing's for sure, the kind of friend whom I truly adore, is one who would never, ever abandon me in times of hardship, and also in times of happiness and fun. Or is that how the way of life is? Or is that how everyone is like, just craving for fun without truly realizing that the actual fun resides in the ones closest to them? And again, how do you measure a man? I guess the answer is that, I don't even know it myself.

The Dark Side

2009-02-25T15:53:00.002Z

Fear, anger, hate leads to the dark side. Nothing against Star Wars, but in reality, this also applies to our everyday life. One must live the opposite to those. And of course selflessness. What better way for men to achieve such virtues by being what he always wanted to be, and believing what he wants to believe, but without sacrificing the believe that he could always believe in achieving?

One must always show humility. And one's true self. The worse thing is to be hippocratic, appearing to be so righteous but when tested, physically and mentally, forgets everything that one has ever want to be, and become what one has always not wanted to be. The true character of a person always potray itself when that person is tested, and in such circumstances, the outcome is often significant, significant enough to be either disastrous, or a gift that is so sweet, and addictive that you could not possibly turn yourself away from it. It is in such circumstances that one would either gain true friends, or lose them, though not in such an obvious and outright manner, but all in all, the true friend would be lost forever. It is behind the stage that you will know whether the friend is really the friend ensuring that the show is performing to the best that can be performed, making sure that you don't fail in any way, or that the friend is just someone pulling all the strings, like a puppet, controlling your every move, to the best of the friend's own benefit. It would not appear as so in front your eyes, but it is there, so subtle in nature that you would probaly never, ever sense it til it is too late, even to redeem yourself.

Being hostile to one's own benefit is a path down towards the dark side. Given a situation, even if it is out of your comfort zone, and you are feeling that you are distracted say, from your sleep (in a case where the noise is substantially overwhelming, and you know that it is too early for bedtime), and the need arised to take control of the situation, and you immediately pound on the victim like a lizard catching its prey; that brings about the very hostility that you are supressing, and that reflects who you really are, as this is also one of the situation where you are unconsciously tested. And that, proves that you are not worth being aquainted to. And being overzealous in order to be something that you think its necessary to be, but not what you want to be, that truly reflects what you are from the inside, the 'lizard' that lies dormain in your heart, striking without mercy and compassion, full of the selfishness of your self, in order to ensure that you, and only you will survive. And that is why you will always be different, separated from the rest of us.

Measure of a Man

2009-02-25T15:42:00.000Z

It may be almost a month old now, but I guess this is still worth writing down, as a tribute to the most gifted tennis player the world has ever seen.

At the pinnacle of men's tennis, at the biggest stage set for the two best players in the world, Roger Federer has let this moment of glory let slip from his very own hands, and of his opponent. He shouldn't be discouraged though; he played brilliantly at times, snatching the 2nd and 4th set from Raphael Nadal. A huge advantage in the 5th set, and yet it all crumbled onto him, the weight of expectation bore down heavily on him. He staggered to a heart-breaking loss, one that would see a record-equalling of Pete Sampras's 14 Grand Slam titles came to a momentary halt. A painful blow to the very core of his heart.

What could possibly be racing through his mind at this very moment? An opportunity blown to bits and pieces? No. It is the weight of all his hard work, amounted to nothing. Yes, luck does not know him by name, and it plays a role in his undoing. No, I guess the most painful blow he has to endure is believing. Believing that he could still wake up from these nightmares, preventing these onslaughts, and forgetting about the pass. And yet, as he struggles more, the more it comes back to haunt him. It has worked him tirelessly, both mentally and physically. And to ever, ever, almost reaching the peak of such a tremendously steep mountain, only to be pushed all the way down by the same person over and over again, and that really hurts. Especially this match, it has cost him dearly. Cost him everything he has ever hoped to be. Cost him his time, for he has not much of it left. Time is running out for him. And most definitely his pride. It is killing him from the inside. No speech could ever do justice to this amount of pressure he is feeling at the moment.

Of course, he would not give up. That is probably the traits of a champion, to rise from the ashes, to accept defeat with honour but yet, at the moment, the weight of not achieving his dream, it is taking its toll on him, and probably has already taken its toll on him. And probably it might be an inch too much for one to contain something so, so painful. Given such circumstances, it is okay to give up, just for the moment. And finally, at the end of everything, he broke down and cried. Not out of despair, not out of pride, and most certainly not out of losing to a much better opponent. But quite simply, he just cried his heart out.

Just Starting

2009-02-25T01:38:00.000Z

It is already 1.30 am in the morning, and I am still awake. What on earth am I doing? I guess the boredom is starting to creep into me, again. I just can't stand being bored. It makes me do all sorts of thinking, and eventually it will eventually all end up to nothing.

Oh well, since this is my first post, I am not obliged to make it as interesting as possible. But I do wanna make it as interesting as possible, as it actually intrigues me just writing something interesting. =)

But before I actually start writing long, winding essays, I think I would need my sleep first.